I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
