Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize