he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
