i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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