I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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