Cold hands, warm shart.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dear god my vagina.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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