I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
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