You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
