even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
