One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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