Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
