I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
