grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
