Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
