I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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