Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
