I met the friendliest cop last night
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
there is glitter all over my balls
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
