rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
