Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
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