I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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