it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
