i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's never too late to be topless.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
