I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
