My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
