this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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