i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
