yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
