I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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