I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
They took my balls.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
