Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
