My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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