Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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