I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
