i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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