I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
