idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
