there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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