I wish I could teleport
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
