I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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