I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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