Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
