i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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