I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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