How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
