Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
