Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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