Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
