The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
