things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
