Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You ruined the universe
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
