Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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