I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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