Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
