he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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