My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
