were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
